Empowering Our Kids with Co-Regulation by Shawn Cohen, LCSW

Shawn Cohen is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She has been working with children and families in Denver, Colorado for 10 years. She practices co-regulation with her husband Ricky, 3 year old, Alfie, and 6 month old, Moshe. 

This morning at breakfast I committed

 the cardinal sin of parenthood. I peeled my 3-year-old son’s banana and he wanted to peel it himself.  In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “Big Mistake. Big. Huge.” Any parent of a toddler has been here before. Cue the tantrum! This tantrum was different though. After a few moments of crying and whining, something magical happened. He said, “I’m having trouble calming down”. Cue the cartwheels! I felt so proud as a parent in that moment. If you take a magnifying glass to that statement, you will see the many beautiful skills that it took to produce. He had to first feel what was happening in his body, identify what it was he was feeling, try to self-soothe, identify his needs, and communicate them clearly. This obviously doesn’t always happen when it needs to. After all, he is 3 and let’s be honest, we all know plenty of adults who are still working on these same skills. But, wow, what a win in the world of child regulation. Regulation is a buzz word that gets tossed around a lot when we talk about the social emotional well-being of our children. Let’s take a moment to talk about what it means and how help your kids do it. 

Regulation occurs when our nervous system perceives our environment to be emotionally, physically, and relationally safe. When we are regulated, we typically can think, communicate, and engage in pro-social skills more clearly. Dys-regulation can happen when we perceive a threat or challenge to any of those realms. Please note the word “perceive” in that last sentence. Obviously, my son was not in any real danger when I peeled his banana this morning, but he perceived the situation as a challenge that he could not reverse or overcome. Dys-regulated states can cause us to go into hypo- arousal (ie: shutting down) or hyper-arousal (ie: outbursts, over-active) states. Co-regulation refers to the modeling and thoughtful responses we have to others to assist them through the regulation process. In the case of the rogue banana, I pulled my son in close for some cuddles and we tried to sing the alphabet, inhaling or exhaling every 3 letters. The way we approach co-regulation with our children will grow and change as much as they do. When we pick up a crying baby, we hold them close, sway and shush to help them calm. When a teenager calls you crying about heartbreak, you will listen, talk them through it, maybe throw on a movie and make some popcorn, reminding them they are loved through your emotional and physical presence. 

Below are a few simple strategies to helping your young ones ground themselves that are fairly flexible across age ranges and scenarios.  I encourage you to be proactive as well as reactive with these approaches. A common mistake is that we wait until dysregulated states to practice strategies. I compare this to a gymnast waiting to practice a new flip until competition day. Obviously, a gymnast would never do that. Why? Because their chances of completing the flip successfully and safely are close to none with that approach. They practice on trampolines, in foam pits, and with spotters when the pressure is off so that they are free to make mistakes and build muscle memory before even going near a mat. Take time to practice some strategies before you and your child need them to build mental muscle memory. This will make new skills far more accessible later when they are escalated and not thinking clearly or are resistant to hearing many directives from you. 

Reflective Statements and Validating Feelings

Name what’s happening and how it is making your child feel. “Your project isn’t turning out the way you want it to, that’s really frustrating.” Refrain from the oh so common “but I love your project, I think it looks great!”. As good intentioned as we are when we go to that place, it doesn’t align with what your child is feeling in that moment and could cause them to double down in opposition. Name what is happening, validate with compassion. If you find yourself struggling with compassion fatigue, (ie: you wouldn’t be so tired and grouchy if you would have gone to bed when I told you to) saying less is more. In fact, a simple sigh or “mmm” paired with a head nod can go a long way. This approach is helpful with most people in tough situation, not just kids. 

Modeling

It sounds too simple but merely remaining near your child while you model how to focus on your breathe can be incredibly powerful. No need to be theatrical about it and try to not speak at all if possible. We want minimal stimulation. Do this for a full 3-5 minutes. Sometimes we can dismiss this intervention when it doesn’t appear to be helping within the first several seconds. Give it time. Modeling for regulation doesn’t just take place during moments of chaos, it also refers to your long-term practice of self-care and support. Remember to engage in things that you find restorative, set boundaries, and accept help from others. When you take care of you you are setting up your kids to do the same. 

3-3-3

Notice 3 things that you can see, 3 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel or touch. Tapping into our senses helps us get out of our heads and back into our bodies. 

The Color Game

Pick a color and spend a full 3-5 minutes finding that color everywhere you can in the room you are in. Redirecting our focus gives our nervous system some time to balance out until we are ready to revisit the issue at hand. 

PSA: When it comes to the social emotional needs of our kids, nothing is going to be 100% effective 100% of the time. Sometimes no matter what you do, your child is going to have a meltdown and no matter what intervention you try, it won’t seem to help. The strategies I listed above might work one day and be totally useless the next. The important thing to remember is to tune into how you and your child are each feeling, what they are needing in that moment, and do the best you can with what you have to meet that need. Here’s to raising a new generation of emotionally healthy humans, cheers!